


Let There Be Cake

by stonecoldsteverogers (youdickbag)



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Asexual Awareness Week, Asexual Derek Hale, M/M, Scerek Week 2013, reuploaded because I made an oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 14:11:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12608392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youdickbag/pseuds/stonecoldsteverogers
Summary: Derek really wished that his birthdays brought him something other than cake and a stunning revelation.





	Let There Be Cake

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this four years ago (plus like a week and a half) and a lot has changed since then. I'm gonna make some more commentary on little changes here and there I made, but those will be at the end.
> 
> This was originally written for Day 1 of Scerek Week 2013 (I'm pretty sure it's the only day I did, lmao), and it was originally posted on my writing blog on Tumblr (blahblahwritingblah, although I think I'm gonna change that???). 
> 
> The theme: _Celebrations/Holidays_
> 
> ASEXUAL DEREK HALE REMAINS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO ME AS DO ALL ASPEC HEADCANONS. G I V E T H E M T O M E
> 
> I should put a warning for references to character death (it's Derek, after all) and brief mention of suicidal ideation, just a throw-away remark, but still.

Derek really wished that his birthdays brought him something other than cake and a stunning revelation.

For example, on his 15th birthday, he realized that he'd fallen in love--or about as close to it as a 15-year-old could get. By his birthday, he'd been talking to her, hanging out with her for a few months. he was endlessly fascinated by everything about her: the way her hair fell over her shoulders, the way her eyes lit up and her cheeks dimpled when she smiled, the way she felt in his arms the first time they hugged. He was fascinated by the fact that she could play the cello, by the fact that she'd gone from outright dislike to general indifference toward him to being such close friends.

One night, Derek dreamed. He dreamt of being with her, laughing with her, lying together with their limbs intertwined. He dreamt of the comfort of her scent, earth and rain and air and varnish. They were only cuddling, but Derek's heart felt like it would explode. He dreamt he could hear her heart beating rapidly, too, as she looked up into his eyes. He dreamt he could see the universe in her gaze, and of touching her hair, letting it slip softly between his fingers. He dreamt he was opening his mouth to tell her how he felt...

And woke up that morning, his birthday, looking at the cupcake with a tiny sugar crescent moon on his desk and "I love you" tumbling softly past his lips. 

Her name was Paige. She was Derek's first love. He was 15 when he realized he'd fallen in love, and he was 15 when he watched the Beacon Hills Police Department find her body. He'd loved her, and he'd lost her. And it was all his fault.

x-o-x-o-x-o-x

His 19th birthday found him while he was running. Running with fire in his blood and ash in his heart. Months had passed--he didn't know how many. It didn't matter. They were gone, everyone was gone. His heart had been opened, and gutted, and now all he had was ash to fill the crater in his chest. Ash; the screams he could feel in the marrow of his bones; the harsh, wicked laughter that plagued his every waking moment. He couldn't stay there. 

He left.

Sometimes he stopped running, but the only time that stuck in his memory was the in-between time. The time spent in between stopping and being forced to think, to remember, to hurt, to hate. Derek wasn't alive in those times; living was too hard. It hurt too much. How could he live when his whole world had gone up in smoke?

He'd picked up smoking as a habit. It wasn't like it would kill him any faster (more was the pity). One of the times he stopped, it was at a convenience store. He was out of smokes. He asked for a pack of Parliaments, and had been asked for his ID. The cashier glanced at it and went to hand it back, but his purple, glittery lids flickered as he looked at the card again.

"Hey, it's your birthday today." It was his birthday today. "Technically, anyway, since it's past midnight. Happy birthday!" He might have nodded, he wasn't sure; he was busy waiting to come alive again, in the in-between time. "You okay, honey?" Derek remembered looking straight into the face of the cashier, who was staring at him, unabashed.

He recognized that he was being checked out. If nothing else, when Derek had said he was fine, the reply--a hum, followed by, "I bet you are"--would've let him know for sure. "You want some cake, babe? My treat."

The cashier pointed, and Derek turned to stare at the refrigerated section, where a single slice of chocolate cake lay on the shelf. "I insist," the cashier (Jake, according to his name tag) said, gesturing for Derek to go and pick up the plastic container. Derek went, picked up the cake.

"Thanks."

"It's a gift from me to you. Happy birthday. Try not to look so sour about it, huh? You're too pretty to look so sad." Jake popped his gum, licked his lips, and the experience seemed so abruptly ridiculous that Derek felt his own lips twitch involuntarily. "Close enough, I guess. Keep working on it."

Derek left without replying, and stood outside until he saw a bench. He sat, and found himself facing another awful realization: he was going to cry. He'd run and run, he'd yelled and smoked and run, but he hadn't cried. He wasn't going to cry.

He was crying. Great, heaving breaths as he tried to keep from screaming himself apart. The air around him chilled and burned as he stared through the tears at the slice of cake. His present, from Jake. 

Jake.

The tears stopped eventually; when they did, Derek was hollow, the ash washed away and the fire drowned out. Now there was nothing.

He went back to Jake, and for a night, lost himself in dark brown skin and a breathy laugh. Jake, and cake. But the hollowness, the nothingness stayed. Even the fire and the ash had left him.

x-o-x-o-x-o-x

On his 22nd birthday, Derek wasn't hollow any more. He'd found a different kind of fire to fill him by then, one that he could control (that controlled him). It roared and banked with his rage, and it kept him sane. It kept him from falling apart. Kept his humanity intact.

It also made him highly adept at biting sarcasm, which he also used to channel and vent the anger, too, so that he could finally stop running. He could live when he stopped, in between the in-between. Live, breathe, eat. Eat things like cake.

Derek had a sweet tooth. He liked the taste of chocolate especially, enjoyed the feeling of it as it passed through his mouth and down his throat to settle warmly in his stomach. 

He was sitting in a bakery, eating a chocolate something-or-other (a brownie, maybe, a brownie with streaks of fudge and lightly drizzled syrup). He opened the newspaper he'd bought for 50 cents and found himself staring two revelations in the face, right there on the front page.

It was his birthday.

Laura was on the front page. Or, half of her was.

He put down the paper, left the bakery, and started to run once again. Run towards home.

x-o-x-o-x-o-x

Derek woke up to find a pair of chocolate-brown eyes staring into his. "Good morning, Derek." The eyes crinkled at the corners, and Derek let a pair of lips place a soft kiss on his. He wrapped his arms around the warm body next to him, buried his face in smooth skin, and breathed. "You want a birthday quickie?"

Derek wanted to laugh, but instead he shook his head and sighed. "I'm sorry," he mumbled into a shoulder.

"No sex, not even on your birthday, huh? Well, that's okay. There's nothing you've done wrong, no need to apologize."

"Are you sure?" "No sex" was the exact description of this relationship he'd found, been lucky enough to find. "No _desire_ for sex" was an even more specific description. He hadn't once felt the desire to have sex with anyone. Not Paige, not ~~Kate~~ her, not Jake.

With Paige, all he'd wanted to do was love her. They'd kissed, but mostly, Derek had just preferred physical closeness. 

Kate had been different. She'd wanted Derek, and Derek had wanted to want her. So he'd pretended, made his body do what it was supposed to do.

Even with Jake, Derek had felt nothing. His body functioned, they'd gotten off together, but Derek had still been empty. 

And now here he was, with Scott, the way he'd been with Paige. He craved Scott's nearness, and he loved to watch him talk, sleep, think, laugh, run. Scott was beautiful. He made Derek's heart ache with all the _need_ and _perfect_ and _love_. But still, he felt no sexual desire at all (or, he guessed, what he imaged sexual desire felt like ). 

Scott usually initiated anything that they did together, and Derek usually went along, because it made Scott happy, and it made him happy to make Scott happy. And Scott had never made him feel guilty, but...

There had to be something wrong. He'd gone to the doctor, but they hadn't found any abnormalities (besides the obvious). It hadn't bothered him before--too much else to focus on--but now he was with Scott, and he wanted to make Scott happy. Scott always told him he was, but...Derek worried. He worried that him never wanting to have sex would eventually drive Scott away. 

"I'm sure. And actually, there's something I want to show you." Scott got out of bed and gestured for Derek to follow. Derek went, trailing Scott through the house until Scot found Derek's laptop. "There's a website I found, called AVEN. I want you to take a look at it and see what you think." Derek frowned, but sat down, and began to read the page.

As he did, certain phrases struck him like lightning.

" _...may regard other people as aesthetically attractive without feeling sexual attraction..._ "

" _...connect emotionally with your sexual partner..._ "

" _...enjoy giving sexual pleasure...without the need for any sexual gratification..._ "

" _Think carefully. What does sex mean to you? What do you expect to get from sex? Could it be that you want to be as intimate and close as is possible to them?_ "

Derek read the entire page, and then he read it again. And then a third time. The fourth time he felt Scott's fingers, brushing against his (damp?) cheek (why was it damp?). He turned his head, and this time he met Scott halfway. Scott's fingers trailed along his scalp and caressed his neck, making Derek shake with the need to be close to him.

He stood and enveloped Scott in a crushing hug, shaking, reveling in the feel of hands stroking up and down his back, of this, of Scott. That Scott had found _this_ , instead of getting angry, or getting sad, or forcing Derek, or leaving. "Thank you."

"Happy birthday, Derek."

"I love you."

"I love you, too." Derek felt the gentle press of lips on his ear, and marveled that someone could make him feel this much. "Guess what?"

"Hm?"

"There's cake, too."

**Author's Note:**

> The quotes at the end are actual quotes from AVEN's General FAQ page. AVEN is the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, but I haven't really been involved or aware of anything they've been doing for a few years now. I don't know how I feel about the organization these days, anyway. I'm just aspec and isolated, lmao. 
> 
> Plus, I also don't know how I feel about the split attraction model, so I just didn't put that quote in there again.
> 
> Plus also and then, I'm so goddamn tired of ace discourse and I want all my aspec family to feel welcome and safe. I'm an inclusionist, and if you don't like it, please feel free to keep that to yourself, because I don't care. 
> 
> Other changes include a number of changes to the language I used originally--I was trying to be poetic, I think, but I write like a historian now, even in fiction, and reading it was bugging me, lmao. The conversation at the start of the Scott/Derek scene I changed a lot, too, because I was really averse to just coming right out and saying "sex," for some reason? I'm not now, so whatever.
> 
> I also changed the cigarettes that Derek got from the convenience store in that scene because literally what the fuck, in what world would Derek _ever_ smoke Marlboro menthols
> 
> I think that's all?  
> Oh, wait, no.
> 
> I still love Jake, like he's #goals


End file.
